Broken Sila

My interpretation of 'Broken Sila' refers to a situation when a Buddhist practitioner tumbles through a phase of demoralization. Perhaps once upon a time they were able to uphold strong sila or moral precepts, then one day, they start slacking off, their mode of practice becomes inconsistent, and bit by bit the next thing you know they find themselves strolling and roaming about in one of the peta realms, or lower... The kilesas trick the mind so well i must say...cheeky evil little bastards they are.....

I am walking on the edge at the moment, I see, and sometimes I don't see them little devils...Sometimes I am a little devil! Like best mates we are, we've been together for endless rounds of birth. It is not me who is to let go of him, but it is him who wants to let go of him self. We enjoy each other's company. Funny little evil devils! - Lets go party! lets go on a trip together! to the unknown! meet people, find chaos, and lets help each other survive through the experience. Lets go dammit!!!

Further down the road...

This feeling sucks. It is a horrible trip. Dark clouds fogging the mind, feeling numb, dumb, no life, no joy, no radiance. No matter how pleasant u feel, u simply know it...the radiance of the citta dims. It brightens up and dims, at a random pace. Synchronicity seems true in one moment, but 'mua'[unsystematic] in the next. Just throwing darts at a moving bullseye, fluttering and flying about as the wind swifts by. Let go of all control seems to be the best refuge. Let me sleep. Let me rest. Let me be at peace. Recollection of the tripple gem sometimes brings on guilt. Observing the mental process giving rise to guilt is painful. Especially when you don't have a strong moral basis. No sila, contemplation and samadhi becomes weak, confusing, and mua`. It feels like lying in a bed of broken glass. Everymove you make, and every breath u take, you bleed. Pain, annoying pain...dumbness, numbness, twistend and bent perception. Where is the light? if it's all dark then I could sleep no? Then it might be peaceful. But in the darkness I see pictures, uncontrollable visions, nimittas, all giving rise to a flux of feelings. Birth, birth, horrible births. I cannot control, I can not stop my self from following...I have no sati. But I have faith.

BROKEN SILA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HA HA HA
Crave why don't you! Crave...
Go on? Go ahead then? How does it feel?
HA HA HA HA just enjoy it son, just enjoy it...
pain suffering, joy, pleasure, peace, it's all the same lad...it's all the the same...
Just go to the shows, watch some bums and tits and you'll be fine...
find some love, find that erotic vibe...yeah...find that 'ragga-metta mix' vibe...
BROKEN SILA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HA HA HA

One piece of advice...
Don't go on 'waiting for kamma' missions while you are going through this Broken Sila Trip!