Wednesday, March 07, 2007
i've been feeling stuck for quite sometime now... not really unhappy, but just not feeling good... not feeling good about everything really - myself, job, world, weather... not sure what is wrong, but this feeling has hardly ever let me go even for a brief moment during more than two years by now... it kinda started before the tsunami, but was rather mild and non-persistent... since the tsunami i have been what in regular language can be described as being "fucked up" and not in a good way at that... will there ever be a break in this feeling? i wish for it to let me go so badly sometimes, and it only makes it worse... craving it seems, is not without irony... everyone around me looks at me and says: whats wrong with you dude? you got all it takes to be happy! all of the conditions seem to be in place... and it just doesnt happen... what the fuck is wrong with me..? what is the cause of this feeling..? why it just wouldn't let me go? why do i need to sit in front of the machine and type all of this, when i have so many other opportunities for "fun" activities..? others would probably pay a lot to find themselves in my situation and would be perfectly happy and content with the things as they are... what the fuck is wrong with me..?do i think i am some special dude, who cannot be content with regular stuff..? not really, it's not that i am discontent with the things around me - i just dont have the drive to enjoy them... the drive of life, the ambition, the goal, the aspiration - all these words have become rather alien to me... what the fuck am i living for..? ask me and i wont be able to answer really... any other of justifications for the existence that other people use dont seem to make any sense for me... having a family, children, continuation of the clan, leaving a trace in the history, creating something wonderful, etc., whatever else people aspiring to... what am i am aspiring to? i have no fucking clue! nothing seems to be worth the effort... am i lazy? for sure, but that is a consequense - i know that, cause before i wasnt like this, even now i am doing everything that is required from me and even more, but i just dont feel good about these things... no sense of accomplishment or even something in the vicinity of that... even a possibility of suicide is rather unappealing and doesnt seem to be worth the trouble... it seems i am functioning on autopilot - just the things that are necessary and nothing over that... i think i am just dumb... not like retarded or mentally challenged, but just plain dumb... it kinda hurts writing this, so it means i got some self-love and appreciation left, then it is not self-hatred that is causing it... i wish one day i can smile about all this, but somehow it feels rather impossible at this moment... i know it isn't permanent, but its fucking too long-lasting for my liking...
by 888
i've been feeling stuck for quite sometime now... not really unhappy, but just not feeling good... not feeling good about everything really - myself, job, world, weather... not sure what is wrong, but this feeling has hardly ever let me go even for a brief moment during more than two years by now... it kinda started before the tsunami, but was rather mild and non-persistent... since the tsunami i have been what in regular language can be described as being "fucked up" and not in a good way at that... will there ever be a break in this feeling? i wish for it to let me go so badly sometimes, and it only makes it worse... craving it seems, is not without irony... everyone around me looks at me and says: whats wrong with you dude? you got all it takes to be happy! all of the conditions seem to be in place... and it just doesnt happen... what the fuck is wrong with me..? what is the cause of this feeling..? why it just wouldn't let me go? why do i need to sit in front of the machine and type all of this, when i have so many other opportunities for "fun" activities..? others would probably pay a lot to find themselves in my situation and would be perfectly happy and content with the things as they are... what the fuck is wrong with me..?do i think i am some special dude, who cannot be content with regular stuff..? not really, it's not that i am discontent with the things around me - i just dont have the drive to enjoy them... the drive of life, the ambition, the goal, the aspiration - all these words have become rather alien to me... what the fuck am i living for..? ask me and i wont be able to answer really... any other of justifications for the existence that other people use dont seem to make any sense for me... having a family, children, continuation of the clan, leaving a trace in the history, creating something wonderful, etc., whatever else people aspiring to... what am i am aspiring to? i have no fucking clue! nothing seems to be worth the effort... am i lazy? for sure, but that is a consequense - i know that, cause before i wasnt like this, even now i am doing everything that is required from me and even more, but i just dont feel good about these things... no sense of accomplishment or even something in the vicinity of that... even a possibility of suicide is rather unappealing and doesnt seem to be worth the trouble... it seems i am functioning on autopilot - just the things that are necessary and nothing over that... i think i am just dumb... not like retarded or mentally challenged, but just plain dumb... it kinda hurts writing this, so it means i got some self-love and appreciation left, then it is not self-hatred that is causing it... i wish one day i can smile about all this, but somehow it feels rather impossible at this moment... i know it isn't permanent, but its fucking too long-lasting for my liking...
by 888
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